I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
