Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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