I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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