If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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