the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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