You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
