Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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