Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
