We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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