Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
