I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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