1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
