then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
