Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
