I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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