Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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