woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
