In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
