My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
