I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
