Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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