i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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