I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
