I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
