Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
