Where did you get a picture of my penis
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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