I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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