no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
