Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
