dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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