new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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