You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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