Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
