On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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