Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
