you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
