WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
