I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
