It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
