Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
