You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
