I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
