So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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