Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
