my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
