make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
