If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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