you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
