seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
