I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
