i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
