My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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