Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
