I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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